Insight. Or is it?

Whoa, it's been a while since I posted anything here, but I've been busy for the last six months.

Okay, I've gotten myself through almost one year of human rights studies now. And to quote a fairly famous band; "And I still haven't found what I'm looking for". I've realized that I'm well suited for academics, or at least the sort of higher education that the social sciences have to offer. It's the "science" part that I'm troubled by. Theories this, methodology that, they try to cram as much "social sciences" as possible into something that doesn't always need it, ie. human rights.

Add to that the fact that my own interest in the subject isn't much more than just that - an interest. A friend of mine offered to try to get me into a volounteer program which would stick me in Zambia for three months, and I gave it some thought. Perhaps personal confrontation with poverty and suffering would ignite that passion that most of my class mates seem to have. But when I pictured myself on-site, what did I see? Myself sitting in a smoky bar having very interesting conversations with other aid-workers, journalists and various other ex-pats. Not very inspiring, from a human rights perspective.

Got an email the other week from Amnesty International, informing me of various internships available to HR-students at the Malmö, Gothenburg and Stockholm offices, and I figured that might be a good idea, and certainly advantageous for my career. But then, another question arose: What career? I've never had a plan, I don't really have an academic objective, and I've sort of been hoping that studying interesting subjects would somehow clarify that along the way, but three and a half years after beginning my studies here at the university, I'm nowhere near figuring out what I want to do with my life.

So I've been trying figuring out how to write my term-paper for the second semester of human rights studies, which hasn't really gotten off the ground, even though I'd had half a semester to get started. Let's just say I was getting pretty stressed out about it, and the fact that during the second half of December and the first half of January I was swamped with other stuff, including three 9 page papers that are due (totally my own fault, I might add). I've never been so stressed, and even without the term-paper, it would testing the limits of my abilities. So last week it all sort of climaxed, and I lost the ability to sleep. What little sleep I got was full of academic nightmares - which sounds ridiculous, I know, but still isn't very pleasant. So I started wondering why I'd even put myself in that situation, and realized that I do it every time I've had a deadline here at the university. I procrastinate, and end up sitting in front of my computer screen for days at a time, feeling absolutely miserable, racing to finish a paper. And after two years of traditional social science-related studies, I'm no better at it than when I started out.

And I'm not enjoying it very much. So, after consulting with Mother-sensei, I decided that I'm not going to do it anymore. It's just not worth it to put myself through this sort of misery without an idea of what I'm gunning for, or at least an idea of what I want to do. I'm not dropping out of college, don't worry (I actually like it here), but I'm changing direction. Again. Pretty much my last chance to do so, but I can't keep doing this, considering the effort I'd need to put in during my third semester of HR. I can't write a scientific essay. I have no wish whatsoever to spend endless nights digging so deep into a specific subject that can't see the surface of it anymore.

So my mother suggested that I might try something where I actually posess some talent. And here's what we came up with: writing. There's a "literary creation" program here at the university, which seems like a good start. At least I'll find out if I have any semblance of creative source within me, and there's plenty of stuff I could use it for. The end-result would be pretty open-ended, and what career directions that would be closed are mostly stuff I wouldn't want to do anyway.

Something more practical is what I need, and I'm just sick of everything else. I miss the humanities faculty anyway, and I can't help but think that the last two years have just been a waste of time, and more importantly - student loans. On the other hand, if I become a writer (of any sort), the hoards of information I've picked up here and there can certainly be of help. Back in my high school days, journalism seemed pretty interesting, but I realized that news-reporting didn't really interest me. Feature-writing is more my thing.

And imagine, what if I could write stuff that just popped into my head, and not stuff that's been researched, analyzed and cross-referenced up the ying-yang!

So there it is. Last chance to do it right. Here's hoping...